All Apologies

Friday, 30 May 2014

The problem with being online when pregnant is that you're not allowed to be unhappy;  because of the precious gift you are carrying.

There's so many woman out there  desperate to have a baby. It doesn't matter if it's your first or tenth child nothing can eradicate that longing of wanting to be pregnant when you're not/can't be... That ache of not being pregnant be it a physical issue or a general life issue is excruciating.  It actually hurts.

So you're not allowed to struggle with life when you're pregnant because it's like you've personally slapped those that aren't yet long to be.  How dare you be struggling off meds.... at least you're pregnant.  How dare you complain about anything, at least you're pregnant.

But I can't and won't apologise for being pregnant.

I've suffered pregnancy loss too.  I've been there, howling and breaking into pieces as your heart literally shatters.

Although not for physical reasons I've been in that place when all you want is a baby yet you can't have one.  When it appears that everyone else is pregnant and you're not.  Everywhere you go you see people pregnant, ones that never tried, ones that don't even want to be.  You see  what's in your eyes 'questionable parenting' everywhere you go as your heart whispers 'they don't deserve that baby.  I do though.  I do'  You watch people who were pregnant when you were give birth, when you lost your pregnancy near the beginning and you think 'that should be me.'

Yes this will be by fourth. Yes I'm lucky.  I'm blessed.  Doesn't mean I'm not human though.  Doesn't mean I haven't been in a place of longing or grieving.

I never thought we'd have a fourth but she surprised us all.  I wouldn't swap this pregnancy for the entire universe.  But...

It doesn't mean life is easy.  It doesn't mean shit doesn't happen.  In another pregnancy a relative died, my mother got cancer and we nearly lost our home.  Of course I was elated to be pregnant but it doesn't make you immune to everything life throws at you, it doesn't eradicate everything else.

Pregnancy is magical, wonderful and amazing but it can also be miserable to some people, it doesn't mean they're not happy to be pregnant though.  Likewise, being pregnant doesn't remove your right to complain.  It can be harrowing if you have mental health issues and you cease your medication to protect your baby.  It can be debilitating if you suffer from SPD where it hurts to move and it hurts not to move, every day the pain intensifies and debilitates you further. It can also exacerbate existing conditions such as M.E.   Pregnancy gives you hope, it gives you a reason to carry on but it doesn't make life easier or magic away worries and problems.

You don't not mention a bad hair day because there's people out there without any.  You don't not mention a migraine because some people have brain tumors.

If I could make all these beautiful woman pregnant of course I would.  Who wouldn't?!

But I can't make you pregnant and I can't be sorry that I am pregnant.

Nor will I apologise for talking about it.

I'm sorry you're not pregnant, deeply whole heartedly sorry.  I'm not sorry that I am  pregnant though.

And when it seems I'm whining about life in spite of being blessed with pregnancy.  StopThink.  Maybe this pregnancy and my kids are the only reason I'm still in this life able to complain.  Maybe they're the sole reason I carry on

1 comment:

  1. This struck so many chords with me. I got pregnant very quickly on both occassions. I have thankfully never lost a pregnancy or a baby, but I did still struggle with later pregnancy both times. And while I felt so terrible for anyone who had experienced loss it didn't take away from the discomfort and desperation (particularly at the end of the pregnancies - during the last week or two) to get them out!

    I've been out of action when it comes to reading blogs lately, but I can really relate to your posts!


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