Toddlers guide to sleep by A. Toddler
Friday, 7 March 2014
How Not To Sleep: By A. Toddler
* The first rule of sleep club is we do not sleep. The Second rule of sleep club is, we do not sleep.
* Sleep is for the weak. Resist naps at all costs. The only exceptions to the aforementioned rule are:
a) Your Mum or Dad are due to go out somewhere. In this instance, nap. Nap like your life depends on it. They will agonise over whether to wake you or not. If they choose to wake you, this is your golden ticket to tantrum all afternoon. Win! Either way you've thwarted your parents enjoyment. Job well done friend.
b) Later afternoon / early evening naps are always permitted. This will totally fuck with your parents. They have this cute little ideology about routenes. It's our mission to smash this fallacy into smithereens. It's for their own good. Really. One day we'll break the news about the tooth fairy to them too. One fallacy at a time my comrades, nice and gentle. If we nap late, we get to stay up late. Yes, that means Peppa wins over Eastenders. Wine reverts to tea and better still, it reduces the chance of a sibling being made and thus forcing you to share your toys. Epic Win. Now, be warned, Mummy might cry but stay strong. This is for her own good. Parents are manipulative creatures. We're being cruel to be kind.
* If you must nap, ensure you don't let your parents fall into a routene. Every few months change your nap time. Keep them on their toes. We must prevent them from planning around us at all costs. Any security we lull them into must be false. Do not be predictable.
* You must not, ever, go straight to sleep at bedtime. Bedtime isn't relaxing, quiet nor easy. It consists of a complex string of events that must be enacted. We are exercising our parents sanity here, it's an important work out for them. We will be doing them a grave disservice if we didn't do this. Here are just a few of a multitude of ideas that you can utilise to delay sleepytime:
- Need a wee. They're so chuffed we're out of nappies, the thought of us wetting the bed terrifies them. I think the pee must awaken the wet monsters or something. Don't worry, we'll tell them monsters aren't real, when they're old enough to understand it. Do not tgo straight to the toilet, do not pass go, do not collect 200 rusks. Peer into every room along the way. Stare at your willy or wriggle on the seat for a while. Dribble on your PJ's and cry until they put new ones on you. Then scream like the world has ended because they've put the wrong pj's on you.
-Need a poo. Aint nobody want to risk a poo-in-the-bed incident. Make sure you use this excuse after the wee one. Let them put you back in bed first. Whilst on the toilet it is intrinsic you remain alert and awake. Talk to your poo. Grunt lots. Squirm. Take your time.
- Need a drink. Whichever vessel they present your drink in, it's the wrong one. You must tell them this. Make them change it. Twice.
- Want another story. No matter how close they are to a tantrum, they will not deny you this. The Book of Parenting tells them they must read to us. If they decline, we will lose all interest in books. Forever. It will be their fault. A lifetime of failure will await us. Because they wouldn't read to us. Take your time choosing a book. Choose a long one. Then choose another. Cry if they insist you pick just one.
- I'm too hot. When they remove your blanket, tell them you're too cold.
- I'm hungry - If you're lucky enough to still have it on draught, persist until she gets those bad boys out. It's your milk. They're your boobies. She needs reminding of this. If she tries to get you to unlatch, bite. Hard. When she screams, cry. Cry hard and loud. It's important she feels guilty for this. This isn't about you biting her. This is about her making you bite her.
-Want a song - It's important we build up their sense of self worth. Take this one for the team, and let your parents believe they can sing. Try not to cry, I know it's painful to listen to. Whichever song they sing, interrupt halfway through 'no not that one, uvver song'
Be creative. Be firm. It's vital you prolong bedtime as long as possible.
* If you keep teasing a dog with a toy but never actually throw it, they lose interest. It's important to let them feel like they're winning occasionally. Parents are like dogs. We have to make them believe in the possibility of sleep. It's this hope that keeps the going. Otherwise they'll refuse to play again. Start to go to sleep. Make sure you make that little quivery sigh, they love that shit. Let them think they've won. Wait. Wait. Bide your time. You have all night. If you're lucky enough to have a nipple in your mouth, wait until she's unlatched you, let her move away then wake up. Nice and bright. Nice and angry. Cry until she returns it to it's rightful place; your mouth. If they're rubbing or patting you, let them stop, let them ninja move away. Wait until they get to the door. It's important they taste escape. Then, cry. Make them start again, from the top.
You'll be able to practice this rapid return technique around 9-10 times depending on how much Valium is in their system. If they accidentally shout at you. Cry like your heart is broken. If they cry, cry louder. If they beg and plead at you, stare at them in silence, with wide eyes and pouty lips.
* Let them go. If you love something let it go, if it loves you it will come back. This one is all about timing. It will take around 30 minutes for them to believe you're asleep, pour some wine, put a film on etc. They need this thirty minutes. At around 35 minutes, wake up and start shouting for them until they come up to you.
* Finally, on a week day, wake up several times throughout the night then sleep in late. Parents thrive on rushing around in the morning, it helps them feel alive. If they're not knackered their coffee won't have a use anymore. Their world will end.