It’s not the words that
I need to share
It’s the silences
that I wish you could hear.
The emptiness is overwhelming, it's not around you, it's within you. Sometimes you exist stupefied within it as it spreads like some vacant barren expanse that you're never quite sure if you're on the precipice of waiting to fall into it or else simply in the midst of it, lost. Other times it's those million shivering holes, vicious and paralysing. Carniverous and invisible.
& I can’t remember if I’m the holes
or the remains.
You're overeating, again. It's not even like you're hungry. You don't need this food, hell you don't even want it. Yet you're eating it. It's like a compulsion. You're not even sure why, is it some physical attempt to fill that void inside? Is it just another form of self destruction, to become the hideous that you feel.
You can't control this.
You lie in bed for hours in agonising silence as you feel yourself suffocate from the inside out. What is that noise? That strangulated noise? Then you realise. It's you. It's been so long since you cried, the sound is alien and you can't breath.
You're angry. You're distraught. You're empty.
Your apathy is deconstructing life around you, demolishing it bit by bit. It's no dramatic explosion it's mere crumbling through neglect. There's a handgrenade in your mouth, you're tonguing the pin, it's all the things you can't say. the things that would blow apart your world.
& I can’t decide the greater evil
The inability to feel
Or the possibility of feeling
I’m terrified by the allure of
As words poise unspoken
With the potential to blow
I’m afraid to ask myself questions
In case I discover how to answer them
Everything feels wrong
I am a hand grenade
And the pin is decaying
Some days I’m desperate for something violently radical to happen, just to check i’m still here. Underneath all this. That somewhere somebody sees me. Maybe in time, they’ll hear me.
I’d introduce myself but I don’t know who I am.
It's gone again.
I'm gone again.
Trying to breath out without
the grey turns to black
if you swallow
it swallows right back.