Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Tick Tock

According to my dates I'm 11+2 today, according to the wheel of conformity I'm 11+6.  Either way I'm ever nearing the end of the first trimester.  Friday is my first scan.

I'm not a very good anything at the moment, I'm a piss poor wife, mother, person and an absolutely piss poor blogger.  There's not even a half decent singular excuse I can pinpoint.  It's more a general yet crippling malaise of existence.  There's the incredible exhaustion coupled with insomnia that isn't helping, there's the absolute and infinite retreat into self that comes with the removal of medication and the instability of hormonal disruption that comes with pregnancy.

I'm unaffected and ineffective.  I don't know where I've retreated to only that you can't find me and neither can I.  I'm unmotivated and stagnant.  The bubble is grey and impenetrable and admittedly lonely.

I have no words and my lips have stopped moving to find them.

I'm immersing myself obsessively into television series watching them back to back, for in them I don't exist.  I don't have to exist.  Reality dissipates and nothing else matters.  It's another world.

I'm angry and sad.  I'm nothing.

I want to be excited and in a small inaccessible corner of myself, I am excited.  Very much so.  The thought of one more final newborn is simply beyond words.  My heart spasms and swells when I let the thoughts out.  I'm having a baby! It's a gift I thought I'd been denied yet the first trimester is not one that I enjoy.  You have the first positive test and then after that you're winging it on a proverbial prayer until that first scan.  Waiting for everything to be okay.  Waiting for everything to all apart.  There is no proof that everything is okay or will be.  There's no reason for it not to be okay.  The first scan is the next piece of proof, of validity, of hope. After that the bump will grow, movements will eventually be felt, the heartbeat can be heard....all the little signs that prove your womb dweller is there.  Yet right now, right here....you're a castaway within the sea of hope and fear.

It's like you're holding a breath, yet in reverse.  To hold your breath there is a giddy sense of adrenalin. you feel alive.  In reverse, you're waiting to take a breath as opposed to letting one go.  You're deflated and empty.

I am excited.

& petrified.

1 comment:

  1. The first trimester is a pretty crappy time for most people, let alone with adjusting to coming off meds too.
    You are so nearly there though - keeping everything crossed that you can relax and look forwards after your scan on Friday x

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