Welcome to parenthood

Friday, 15 November 2013

Welcome to parenthood, sit down, make yourself at home....this is a self imposed life sentence.  Hey, it's okay, don't cry.....trust me, you'll have enough snot to contend with as it is.  Plus, there's always Gin...and Valium.

* Talking of snot, you'll soon become an experienced and parenthood accredited extractor of bogies.  You'll become an expert at spying the little bastards blocking your little darlings nostrils.  they can't remove them, everybody move aside, you're going in.  What's worse, you may actually find it satisfying.

* After running out of clean bedding, you will find yourself catching vomit in your hand.  Remember, this won't be your vomit either.

* You will be able to enter Mastermind with your spectacular observations on poo.  You'll find yourself scrutinising the contents of nappies, is it too hard?  Too soft?  Too frothy? Too much?  Not enough? Too green? Oh my fuck that's ..... sweetcorn! Worse, you'll probably end up actually talking about it with someone too.  Yes, a whole conversation on baby shit.

* There becomes new categories for clothes, no longer is there simply clean and dirty, there is 'does it smell of sick?' if not, it can be worn...again.

* Talking of clothes your wardrobe will probably consist of colours that are least likely to show puke.

* Dry shampoo will be your new best friend.  Getting the chance to wash your hair will feel like a spa day,

* You'll have to invent a whole new language of expletives seeing as screaming 'Fuuuuuuck!' when you step on lego in the dark isn't recommended.

* When something goes missing, you now have to factor in the possibility that the baby may have eaten it. 

* You find wee on the toilet seat.  Usually after you sit down.  Cold wee.  It won't be your wee either.

* You'll find stagnating patches of wee on the bathroom floor too, surrounding the toilet.

* Going to the supermarket alone, is a holiday.

* Your conversation topics go along the lines of 'who'd win in a fight, Bob The Builder or Postman Pat?'

* You get your kids names mixed up when flustered.

* You know at least ten Ben10 characters and the Disney princess' real names.

* Moshlings block your hoover.

* You realise that looking under beds is a bad idea.  You get angry about what;s under there first.  then you become ambivalent.  After a while, when the smell takes over, you just become plain scared.

* You find yourself screeching random things such as 'Get your willy out of the watering can spout' and 'I don't want to sniff your finger, it's been up your bum' and 'Stop rubbing your willy on her'

* You realise cleaning is over rated and futile.

* You give up trying to get the scribbles off walls and call it art instead.

* You agonise over how to explain what a tampon is.

* You get in the bath close your eyes only to have a small child appear wanting to chat, followed by another wanting to shit.

* You find yourself eating chocolate with your head in a cupboard so as not to be caught and forced to share.

* You're now a master of bribery.

* You catch yourself calling a dog a doggy in adult conversation.

* You realised you imagined that adult conversation because you no longer have adult conversation.

* It takes you an hour to realise you're in the room alone and Peppa Pig is still on the tv.

* Instead of Guns 'N' Roses you have King Thistle singing in the bath in your head.

* You've contemplated using the hoover trick on your daughters hair to save time in the morning.

* You willingly let a small child clamber all over you just so you can spend an extra ten minutes in bed.

* You've woken up with a child's foot in your face....

* Or said child laying across your head.

* You get used to partial shags as you inevitably get interrupted and have to scramble to get dressed like teenagers only with more wrinkles, less money and not stoned.

*You're a chief slayer of monsters, tooth fairy, father Christmas and Easter bunny.

* Your kisses have magical properties that heal booboos.

* You know The Duck Song.  Word  perfect.

* You've had to fish things out of the toilet that weren't human waste.

* Your life goal has become to find all the missing socks.

There's more...lots more....

What would you add to this list?


  1. I love this! I personally think I do a better rendition of the duck song than YouTube itself!

    You also willingly sing "I am the music man" out of key, and do the actions in a room full of other adults doing the same, all being ignored by babies who are either feeding, crying or staring at the floor.

    The minutes when you sit down with your husband at 8pm after baby is asleep and before the washing up is started is now called "Date Night". You spend it romantically talking about how tired you are.

    When your husband calls to you fr another room it's no longer to talk to you or show you something cool. It's generally because there is poo on the walls or floor. Thanks for a great post :)

    1. Not just talking about how tired we are but competitive tiredness!

  2. Gosh, I wish parenting wasn't about dealing with so many bodily fluids! Yet we do it, day in and day out. I must get my hands on dry shampoo! Oh, and I often eat a chocolate behind a door ;)


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