Tuesday, 19 November 2013
* No matter what you order, whatever the person you're with orders will always look and smell nicer.
* Unless you order the same, then it will be disappointing and you'll wonder why you didn't order something else.
* Bacon butties are infinitely nicer when someone else makes it for you.
* If a door is push, you'll try and pull it. If it's pull you'll try and push it.
* If there's a cubicle with no bogroll, that is the one you go in. You won't realise until your knickers are round your ankles and your arse is on the seat.
* You'll take a pregnancy test willing it to be negative. When it's negative, you realise how much you wish it had been positive.
* Them shoes that are just a tiny bit too tight and pinch your toes, the ones you're sure will stretch given time. They won't. They'll hurt you. Forever.
* Continually pressing snooze on your alarm clock won't get you any extra sleep, you'll just get pissed off.
* Don't bother running for the bus, you'll still miss it only you'll also look like a right pillock too.
* If you try and use up the shrapnel in your bag to save breaking into a note, don't bother. It will take forever, everyone else in the queue will be thinking of increasingly creative ways to kill you and you'll be two pence short anyway.
* Fancy baking something? There will be one ingredient you need yet don't have.
* Whichever queue you choose in the supermarket, no matter how short in comparison to others, will inevitably take the longest.
* When waiting for a bus, you'll see at least two on the other side go past before yours arrives.
* If you're early or on time for your doctors appointment, you'll end up waiting an hour. If you're a minute late, you'll have missed your appointment.
* Have somewhere important to be? You'll wake up with a zit. A giant one. We're talking volcanic.
* Wearing glasses in the rain renders you temporarily blind.
* Ditto when you open a hot oven wearing them.
* If you wear mascara and open a hot fan oven, it turns to glue and you spend a minute in blind panic wailing 'I can't open my eyes!'
* If you fart thinking it will be a silent one, it won't be. It will be the loudest stinkiest fart known to the human race. If you attempt to contain it to avoid the fart from hell....when you finally release it, it will be silent but deadly. The SBD.
* If you really fancy cereal, The Spawn will have used up all the milk.
* Spreadable butter will never ever spread straight out of the fridge.
* Getting a daytime bath? The postman will knock, with a parcel.
* Trying to get baby down for a nap? Every neighbor will suddenly embark on DIY and the council will finally decide to mow every bit of land nearby.
* Having a shower? Another member of the household will use the taps downstairs and you will lose all hot water in the shower. Bastards.