Preparing for parenthood

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

So you took the quiz and are apparently ready for parenthood?

No matter how prepared we feel for parenthood, you can never truly be prepared for the biggest yet most rewarding white knuckle ride of your life.  Still it doesn't mean you can't practice anyway.....preferably before you do the baby dance.....

* Get your significant other to set your alarm to go off at 8 random intervals no more than three hours apart throughout the evening/night for four months minimum.

* At each waking be set a challenge such as attempting to open a Calpol bottle or opening a safety gate.

* Get your favourate makeup, break it all.

* Your favourate dvds? CD's? Chew them.

* Wee On your toilet seat

* and on your bathroom floor

* Get your significant other to poo in the bath

* Every hour, mangle your nipples

* Find your favourate top, puke on it.

* Empty lego all over the floor, turn off the lights and walk across the room, without swearing.

* Lovingly make a nutritious tasty meal from scratch.....then throw it on the floor.

* Cut a small hole in a large box, hang the box from the ceiling by string, twist it until the string is tight....let go.  Now whilst it's spinning try and get a spoon of food into that small hole.

* Empty several beakers of  water / juice / milk over your carpet.

* Remove the peel from a banana, place banana on carpet....jump on it.  Lots.

* Scatter cheerios throughout your house like birdseed.

* Fill your coat pockets with random crap, then put it in the washing machine.

* Give your phone and keys to a neighbour and ask them to hide them somewhere in your house, ten minutes before you have to be somewhere.

* Get your purse, empty it.  Get used to how it looks empty.

* Before you go anywhere, pack 90% of your belongings in a bag and take it with you.  Everywhere.

* Jam a plastic banana or plastic sausage up your hoover hose.

* Spend a fortune decorating your bedroom to utter perfection.  Now move all your stuff into another room and sleep there instead.

* Buy one of those battery operated rabbits (no, not that kind.  Sorry!) that randomly somersault and walk away from you.  Now try and put a nappy on it.

* Fill a wet pillowcase until it's approximately 8lbs in weight, play some black metal music loudly.  Walk up and down the room, carrying aforementioned pillowcase, whilst eating your dinner...with one hand.

* Repeat everything you say thrice.

* Buy shares in Gin.  Valium too.

Still with us?  Blimey.  Best get shagging then....... still, maybe have a ganders at this first.

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