Lost in translation.
Saturday, 30 November 2013
* "Sit still" be it for a haircut or a photo, if you ask them to sit still they'll develop an absolute inability to do so.
* "Smile" If you ask your child to smile for a photo they will either pull a ridiculously insane face or else whilst attempting their best smile they'll pull off an expression that looks more akin to being in extreme pain.
* "Be quiet" Yeah, right. As if. The instant you ask them to be quiet they'll have 101 burning questions that they simply must ask you, right now, or else the world will totally and absolutely end.
* "Go to sleep" Get real. Are you shitting me?
* "Tidy your room" At best they'll disappear to their room and spend the next thirty minutes creatively hiding stuff under things, inside things, between things...anywhere in fact except where they actually belong. At worst they'll incite a raging exchange of tantrums with you. It will end in tears. Probably yours.
* "Put your clothes away" They'll do this...under duress. However, the catch is that they won't actually put them where they belong. They'll shove them down the side of their bed, behind their drawers, in-between their toy storage etc. Of course when they can't find a school jumper in the morning, it will be your fault.
* "Walk!" You may as well just tell them to run comically because that's what they'll do. An almost Monty Python-esque walk as they try not to appear to be running whilst sneakily trying to well, run.
* "Don't jump on me" Evidently this translates from adult language to child language as 'Please jump on me lots. I'm an undercover trampoline.'
* "Hurry!" They'll do everything at hyper speed regardless of your constant reminders to slow down. That is until you actually want them to do/get something. Then they miraculously become limited to two speeds, slow and stop. This is most prominent when you're waiting in the playground in the pissing rain and you send them back in to get their book bag or jumper.
* "Don't kick that can" seemingly means 'kick it again'
* "Go to your room" Usually appears to translate as 'crawl up the stairs, irritatingly slowly, then faff about on the landing'
So, what gets lost in translation in your household when talking to your spawn?