The Rage

Saturday, 26 October 2013

Remember my post about tardiness?  The law of the Sod is indeed in action.  Yesterday, whilst The Husband was in bed, I got the spontaneous urge to go out. Sometimes an idea will just arrive in my head and the thought of not doing it at that instant sends me irrationally angry. The Husband declined to accompany me and in an uncharacteristic burst of bravery, myself and The Toddler went alone.  Time was drawing on, so before we departed I requested that The Husband ensured his phone volume was on so that if I was running late, he could do the school run.

It's okay.  I know the way.  This is one of the few journeys I can do alone, if I have to.  If I concentrate on talking to The Toddler I can, with effort, ignore the urges to change direction and detach a little from reality and focus on treading this familiar path with only minor panic.

I had four places to go, The Doctors, The Chemist, The Supermarket and Home Bargains.  All within a minute of each other.  All familiar.  The idea was to use the cash machine in the supermarket, do some Christmas shopping in Home Bargains, go to the doctors and chemist and get a taxi home from there.  I hate getting taxi's alone.  I feel anxious and ill with anxiety induced paranoia scenarios running at high speed through my mind,  I don't even like making the phone call to book one.  Yet sometimes, it's necessary.

I'm strolling round Home Bargains having evicted The Toddler from his buggy so that I could use the buggy as a trolley, laden with toys, when I checked the time.  Fucksticks.  There was no way I'd finish shopping, pay, pack, get the shopping home and hidden then pick Things One and Two up.  So I called The Husband.  No reply.  I phone again, no reply.  I call the house phone, no reply.  I don't deal well when things don't go to plan.  I usually have a plan within my mind of how I expect something to go and a back-up.  If both fail I become flooded with sheer panic and venomous anger.  I'm trying to steer the buggy, herd The Toddler, replace all the shopping to the shelves and call The Husband all at the same time, with just two hands. This is not going well, at all.  I'm vocally plotting spousicide.  My world is quivering from rage and panic.

It's about a 10-15 journey to school, a lot of it uphill.  I had 5 minutes to get there.  Even a taxi would have taken longer.  So I do something I never do, I run.  There's several reasons I don't run including having crap ankles that can spontaneously give way just when standing, JJ size boobs and a shit bra, I'm overweight, I have M.E and well, to be blunt, I'm actually terribly shit at running.  Never mind running uphill, with The Toddler in his buggy.

I have visions in my head of Things One and Two in tears.  I have visions in my head of falling. I can barely breath.  My legs feel like they simply can't move any more.

Of course the tide is against me, it's obvious I'm in a hurry especially as I'm heading into the school grounds as opposed to out of them at full speed.  Does anyone let me past?  Do they fuck as like.  I'm torn between screeching at them or simply ploughing through them with the buggy.  Did I mention it's now starting to piss it down?  Joy.

Usually we collect Thing Two first yet as I'm approaching from the bottom end of the grounds instead of the top I concoct a plan that if I get Thing One first, the speedy little bugger can run ahead and get Thing Two who is usually one of the first to be collected from her class and it's now 8 minutes later than usual.

Thing Two trots out upon my arrival, unbothered.  The only other time they have been picked up late was on The Husbands watch, last year and she was beside herself in tears.  This time? she was playing superman on the carpet with a boy in her class whos mum was also running late.  Phew.  I asked who was Superman and apparently they both were.  I do so love the way she doesn't feel it necessary to become some female counterpart.

By this point I'd called The Husband six times on his mobile and twice on the land line.  My rage is palpable.  The world takes on a fuzzy red edge, red as in blood not as in rose.  It's like acid dissolving all rationality within me.

I had no shopping, no medication and was late for the school run.  Needless to say The Husband was woken by much profanity.  It's okay though.  It's all my fault.  I shouldn't have gone shopping.  I shouldn't have assumed he'd turn his phone on after I'd explicitly asked him to and explained why.

Cue much shouting and stomping and then The Silence.  We're good at The Silence.  We once successfully ignored each other for four days and nights solid.


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