Ten things they never tell you about pregnancy
Tuesday, 10 September 2013
1. The worry never stops. At first you worry about miscarriage, then later about premature birth or worse, still birth and once they're born you worry about SIDS and bullying and teenage pregnancy.
2. You'll not see your feet for several months. Shaving your legs or your lady garden will mutate you into a danger whore as you go in blind. It's the biggest thrill you'll get seeing as you've quit smoking and alcohol is mostly off the cards.
3. You may completely go off your favourate foods and inexplicably need, yes need, something you'd previously been repulsed by.
4. You'll get cold soaking in the bath as the water won't cover your bump...nor your pregnant boobs of doom.
5. You'll become an expert at peeing into small plastic jars.
6. After growling at your partner not to come near you for months you may very well end up begging to be ridden, whilst the size of a whale, with the hope of starting labour.
7. You will probably grow bum-grapes and your ankles will morph into cankles.
8. You'll have hands up your foof more often than a German pornstar.
9. You genuinely contemplate swallowing. Did you know that one of the medications used to induce labour in hospital used to contain pig jizz? Yes. really. It's the prostin. Sperm contains them which can stimulate labour through ripening the cervix yet we ingest them ten times more efficiently than applying it. Yummy. Bork. It's a choice of mandog or pork..... Incidentally Cervidils active ingredient is Dinoprostone. I think it's best I don't think too hard about that....
10. Having tried numerous creative ways to get labour started (pineapples, curries, star jumps, walking down the stairs sideways) and possibly suffered will HG or SPD and abject misery during pregnancy once your bundle is in your arms and you're irrevocably besotted with them.....you'll miss being pregnant.
⋅ Labels: pregnancy