Shopping rage : 10 deplorable things about supermarkets.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

I admit it, I'm terribly grumpy and am well known to love a good moan so today's moan is about supermarkets...

1. Many supermarkets have cash machines outside, not our local one.  Oh no, the cash machine is inside yet to get to it you have to embark upon an agility course of squeezing past people and hopping over closed barriers for you see, someone had the terribly awful idea of situating it behind the tills, on the way out of the shop.  Good grief, what an absurdly ill thought out idea that was.

2. Considering people generally travel around a supermarket with a trolley, not to mention buggies and wheelchairs, which genius had the prize winning idea of planting displays in the middle of aisles?

3. 8 tills, massive queues of disgruntled customers yet only two tills are open. The manager looks to be around 12 years old and blatantly couldn't manage their way out of a wet paper bag.

4. Self service tills.  I applaud the sadistic sense of humour clearly possessed by the inventor of these.  I'll admit they do supply a kind of perverse viewing pleasure to the wiser shoppers as we avoid them like the plague preferring to join the horrifically long queue to be served by a human instead.  The staff chirpily encourage you to use these implements of mental torture, are they really so stupid?  These machines are there to replace you! You occasionally get the rare incident of someone who has managed to whiz their first ten items through effortlessly, someone obviously forgot to switch the machines onto arsehole mode, no wait....spoke to soon, there flashes the red light of doom.  The one that indicates the machine has fucked up but is blaming you as the beacon may as well holler 'Stupid person here! can't work a simple machine! come look come look!' only nobody does come.  It's gotten so absurd at our local supermarket that they have given the sub contracted security guard a golden pass and the secret smirk to reset the machine to 'behave' mode, for the next 1-5 minutes depending on how particularly sadistic they're feeling that day.  Uh oh, the red light has gone off again as the unfortunate soul starts screaming at the machine 'The fucking scanning area is clear! it's CLEAR! For christ sake the god damn thing IS in the shitting packing area, it's's there you stupid bloody machine!'  free raised blood pressure and cardiac episode with your shopping? Meanwhile, had the joined the horrific queue they were smugly trying to avoid, they would have been half way home by now.

5. The ridiculous offers such as £2 each or two or £5 ..... yes they really do exist.

6. The ever thinning bags that are now utterly transparent and rip if you so much as look at them the wrong way.  Fully aware of this, seeing your weeks worth of family shopping, the helpful cashier dispenses three bags to you.  You ask for more, they give you another one.  You end up having to ask ten more times.  Occasionally they offer to pack for you, however they do it in such a way your shopping has zero chance of surviving the mission from shop to car boot and god forbid you actually walk like us.

7. The lack of common courtesy between customers.  It's very simple really, if you don't want the shopping of the customer behind you added to your bill then place the bloody divider down behind your shopping you utter Twunt.

8. The shelving for giants and lack of friendly approachable giants to reach what's on them for you.  It's not even like I'm vertically challenged.

9. The sheer idiocy of fellow customers who having queued and witnessed how the whole shopping shizzle works, look utterly taken aback when at the end of packing they have to actually pay.  It evidently never occurred to them since their purse is still residing somewhere in their bottomless bag of doom.

10.  Those cretinous shoppers who appear to think standing in the middle of an aisle to have a chinwag is a good idea.  I will plough through you.  You have been warned.


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