The time draws ever near to eviction, or so The Husband threatens though I'll admit I've done a terribly good job of evading it so far. The Toddler, you have been evicted, please leave the big bedroom, is along the lines The Husband is thinking for you see, The Husband doesn't do co-sleeping so instead chooses to sleep on the sofa for several years. However, seeing as he has decreed that The Toddler is indeed our last baby (can you hear my womb weep? My eggs are trembling and distraught) I'm in no hurry to do anything and indeed am quite grateful that he appears to be a very young 3.5 yr old (unlike Thing Two who I often suspect was born a forty year old) He doesn't sleep through yet and still breastfeeds throughout the night (& day). Oh believe me I've attempted to remedy the latter yet it risks waking the entire county and I am loathe to force night weaning as when they're ready it is quite effortless, he obviously on some instinctive level needs it still and my job as a mother is to support his needs. So to plant him in a room with Thing One or Two would hardly be fair on them.
The other thing The Husband conveniently neglects to consider is the nightmare logistics involved for you see it's not quite as simple as putting him in a room with a sibling. It would make sense for The Toddler to share with Thing One (male, 9yrs) Yet to be blunt, they fight like cat and dog. The there's Thing Two (female, nearly 7) who has the box room and is terribly pissed off that a) she has the box room b)cant share a room with me c) has to sleep alone. Incidentally The Toddler rather adores Thing Two and when in the mood she is effortlessly brilliant with him. Yet due to the obvious gender difference a long term solution of them sharing would probably be far from ideal so we've had the somewhat grandiose plan of letting The Toddler and Thing Two share for a few years then have The Toddler and Thing One share. Still with me? terrific....because it doesn't stop there.
In order to action the plan it involves Thing One and Thing Two swapping bedrooms for a few years. However, Thing One (unlike The Toddler who is rather partial to pink) point blank refuses to reside in a pink room. Thing Two's room is, you've guessed it, pink. Pink walls, pink curtains, pink blind and pink carpet. So firstly we'd have to redecorate the room, including replacing the carpet. Then there's Thing One's lair, which is terribly scruffy with a bed that is literally held together by Heathen prayers and witchcraft. We's need to redecorate this room too and then buy bunk beds with mattresses. Bloody nora. All this on a shoestring budget of erm....nothing. Can you see my eyes rolling? They're lodged in the back of my skull they rolled that far.
Thing One is vying for a red room, an absolute and definitive not on your fucking Nelly, seeing as he has The Husbands diabolical temper already. Thing Two and The Toddler are rather hoping for orange. Yes orange. Indeed. Do you see what I have to work with?
Thing Two would be immensely chuffed with a personalised room in some format seeing as the poor bugger has a gorgeous yet unique name meaning no personalised off the shelf adornments for her. Ever. Oops. Parent fail. Sorry Thing Two, Sorry God (& Fuck you Coca Cola). Granted there are many wonderful handmade customised things that are superbly darling yet frightfully out of budget that could perhaps be replicated had I a single craft bone within my being, which I don't. Not even a little one, not even at all. Arse.
Here comes my genius moment, are you ready? Are you dazzled by the lightbulb beacon glowing above my head? Stencils. Yes, stencils. How utterly brilliant is that and before you get overexcited about the prospect of me artfully making such things. Stop. Remember? I'm craft inept. So it's lucky there are places out there such as Stencil Warehouse who you guessed it, sell pre-made stencils. I'm thrilled, how is it for you? Better still, they do Alphabet Stencils. I have images of stenciling her name, emblazoned across an entire wall in her room, with the aid of spray cans, which seem infinitely more fun and easier then brushes, right? I could even expand on that with a flurry of stenciled butterflies around it then The Toddler can have a transport theme and his name stenciled on another wall. Jobs a good 'un. How wrong could this possibly go? Sometimes, I amaze myself with my own genius. I think I need a sit down and a large gin to recover.
The only problem would be The Husband having to restrain me from erm.... 'decorating' the rest of the house seeing as the possibilities are endless...my artistic vision renders me so misunderstood.
Yet for now, The Toddler will remain with me with our night time cuddles and the lullaby of his little breaths soothing my soul whilst The Husband, with prickly stubble and gnarly feet, can remain downstairs a while longer.