Liar liar your bums on fire. Or it bloody well should be. I'm astounded that my nose has not yet grown large enough to play hoopla on. Whilst preaching to The Spawn the absolute necessitity to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth at all times we fail to realise the full extent of our hypocracy.
So the biggee's aside, you know Father Christmas, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy there's all the other white little lies we tell day to day because as I've said before, anything for an easy life.
Like when I'm hiding in the kitchen scoffing biscuits and chocolate yet when asked by The Spawn I solemnly declare i'm cooking tea and they can't possibly come in because it's hot hot hot and i'm terribly busy.
Then if they do happen to catch me stuffing my face and ask for some I apologise sincerely because 'I'm so sorry darlings this is grown up chocolate/ice cream and children aren't allowed it. It's full of grown up things. You can have a banana if you want?"
Or when I claim to be having a shit when really i'm just sat on the loo trying to grab a quick 40 winks.
Then there's the empty threats that you never have any intention whatsoever of carrying out irregardless of how utterly and cockle warmingly tempting they may appear such as 'if you don't do x, Christmas/after school club/your sleepover is cancelled' or the infamous 'if you don't behave we're going home right now' or the old favourate (sorry teachers. sorry god) 'RIGHT tomorrow we're talking to your teacher about this behavior of yours' which makes them positively quiver with the fears because seemingly it's terribly more important to be seen as well behaved to their teachers then it is to their bloody parents, don't mind me Spawn, you know...I only birthed you (water melon out of a cherry much?)
Lets not neglect the meal time lies 'it's not a vegetable! it's sports candy!!!' ... 'Ooooh magic trees, that's what Tree-Fu Tom eats to fuel his magic! nom nom!" (Broccoli) 'wowee look at those fluffy clouds, nom nom!" (cauliflower)
It would be rude not to mention the old wife tales tales and miscellaneous lies at this point, we've all heard /used them 'if you the wind changes your face will stay like that' ... 'I saw that. I have eyes in the back of my head' ... 'eat your carrots they'll help you see in the dark' ... 'eat your crusts they'll make your hair curl' ...'it won't hurt (much)' 'yes we're nearly there, just round this big corner' ... 'if you don't get back here by the time I count to ten i'm going'
Oh and then there's the lies purely for shits and giggles because we all need a hobby, parents hobbies just happen to often be picking on their spawn. It's either that or alcohol. These consist of things such as 'if you don't tidy your room, rats will chew through all your stuff and cover your room in poo' ... 'if you don't put your shoes on properly, eventually your feet come loose and fall off' .. 'oh dear you have toetus.....'
Oh shush. Are you genuinely trying to tell me you have never ever lied to your child?
See? so many lies. Parents are quite awful beings really. Thankfully The Spawn can be much awfuller....even so far as being awfullist. It's okay though, when you eject the placenta they secretly jab you with a love venom which means even when they're vile and beastly you adore them...in a way....a little bit....sometimes.