I sense infliction in the air. Help me disappear
Monday, 26 November 2012
Even the rain seems heavy, more akin to thumps then drops as they linger longer then is appropriate for a mere aquaintence upon your lashes as if allowing your sorrow to inflate then further.
It's cold. Cold enough for heating on 24/7. Cold enough to issue a short sharp slap when you open the window for air, desperate for air as you braille read your way through the grey, as it edits and erases the autobiography of your soul. Trying to clear it away with your finger, to finger paint something (anything) to prove you were here.. Just trying to breath. Just trying to think and indeed to not think in equal measures.
There's infliction in her eyes.
It gets to half four in the afternoon and the grey disappears and gives way to black. An all consuming blackness that swallows your thoughts.
& the drugs don't work they just make you worse.
I can't seem to see. I can't seem to breath. I can't seem to be anymore. & I can't stop the the thoughts that crawl and slither out of the gloom. I can't seem to see what's wrong yet the strange days are coming home again.
My head is screaming yet my lips are dry from their silence. The words, they went away.
& she's fading.
Everything feels acutely wrong. There's a wrongness in the air.
So in the absence of alcohol, and in leau of an increase in medication it's time to break out the Multivits again and in particular Vitamin D.
For those unaware, there has been a suggestion that a deficiency in Vitamin D can contribute significantly to M.E, CFS, Fibromyalgia, depression and a whole host of other health issues. Don't get me wrong, I'm as sceptical as ever. I did experiment with supplements in conjunction with my usual medication last year and I can't say I noticed an effect, however it can't hurt right? We all need a little little light through the dark sometimes. Maybe this year I'll try one of those nifty spray vitamin d supplements.
Help me find myself., inside myself.
Everything is so grey. I need a raincoat. I need a phone call. I need a big hug.