What not to wear...

Saturday, 5 May 2012

Losing weight is supposed to be confidence building so do tell me why, at the ripe old age of 31 and a size 12-14 having spent 8 years as a size 16-18+ do I still not feel the thrill and haven't the foggiest what to wear?

Centuries ago, PK (Pre - kids) it was velvet, pvc, tye dye with stripy tights, ripped fishnets (yes, I'm a goth in remission) and at my peak of 'having an actual life' I was crazily a size 8-10 yet crept up to a 14 just before I got pregnant with Thing One.

AK (after kids) it became ill fitting cheap jeans, repulsive tracky bottoms and over stretched band hoodies. I felt horrendous and looked even worse. However, dare I say there was a certain element of comfort in obesity for I didn't have to think. I felt fat, looked fat and was fat. There were no expectations nor effort. Rather then trying to polish a turd I longed for invisibility. I stopped trying, nothing remotely 'me' would fit and if it did I would look ridiculous and quite frankly, awful. Obesity (and mental illness) devoured my identity and my sense of self. I wore things that would fit rather then things I liked. Clothes shopping was rare and somewhat depressing.

Fast forward to now. I 'should' be able to wear whatever I choose and whilst the old favoured stripy thigh high socks and chunky boots remain and jeans now fit properly I find myself at a stalemate. Needing smaller, nicer clothes isn't at all what I thought it would be. It isn't fun.

First to be fair I'll admit two major obstacles the first being money, or lack of and the second being the fact i'm breastfeeding so most of the things I like are either unaffordable or absolutely impractical logistic wise.

Then there is sizing. I point blank refuse on sheer principle to buy any brand that class a size 12-14 as 'Large' or worse still 'extra large' That's utterly absurd and rather a tad mean.

Talking of sizing, that in itself is quite a farce. If you're feeling masochistic do shop in Primark. I know not what strange proportioned species they design for yet it is painfully obvious not for mere mortals unless you buy a dress size or two larger then you are.

Upon the opposite end of the spectrum if you'd like an image boost do try Marks & Spencers as often you can instantly drop a dress size.  How positively amazing!

Why oh why aren't clothing sizes governed to grant us with an iota of continuity?.

I still have weight to lose. I still both think and feel fat inside my head. I look at clothing that I most likely could wear yet am still in the mind frame of obesity and I still feel repulsive despite others my size looking remarkable. It's not a physical rationale it's tremendously irrational and to be brutally honest, all in my head.

So,I can't yet dress how i'd prefer to. I can't dress how I did the past 8 yrs nor in the period of my life prior to The Fat Years.  Sizing is a minefield of disappointments, money is negative, breastfeeding is continual, weight loss is ongoing.

It really isn't about how you look and more so about how you feel that makes you happy.

I ask you, what is a woman to wear?  And more importantly what not to wear?


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