I'm beginning to debate the luxury that i do not possess of having the time and space to be utterly broken yet with two small children the only time that is truly mine to feel, to think and to realign myself with my life, to reconnect the link of the present with the future is when I finally collapse in bed in the dark. My eyes ache from seeing the ghosts of events replay behind closed lids. My heart is heavy and pulped, swollen and bruised like some over-ripened fruit on the wrong side of rotting.
& yet I'm doing okay. I am.
I feel stronger and brighter, I'm mending the bones of this broken soul and teaching it to walk again, into the future where it belongs.
I have my daily wibbles that are at times unexpected and catch me off guard, they last but the blink of an eye and yet in this insignificant flicker of time the world spins and turns black as i simultaneously slump and stumble into it and out of it.
I opened my handbag today and out spilled the lovely positive pregnancy tests, four of them joyously dated with black marker. My fingers tripped across them, stung by the shock of their touch, whilst these sad lips twitch and strain trying to once again make that smile that these sticks once put there.
& yet it's only seconds and then I'm okay again. I'm okay. (& if I'm not, i will be)
Walking around a supermarket today (yes for two days running now I've managed to actually get dressed and brave the world) I inwardly flinched as the corners of my eyes briefly touched upon the beautiful baby clothes.
The Toddler is a Tonic and The Child is , shall we say, a uhm..distraction. Both welcome in their own way.
For the first time in my life I shall be taking a cheap and sensitive (oh the irony) pregnancy test soon and hoping for it to be negative. My hcg was quite low the day before The World Ended so i'm quite positive that within a few days it should be back to a non-pregnant and that will be The day The World Began Again. I have a feeling due to the slowing down and diminishing of the main symptom (c'mon you really don't need me to spell it out) and a certain levelling out of emotions that my hcg must be very low indeed now.
Although there will be an eternal inability to forget (& in a morbid dance around the facts, why should I? I wouldn't have traded those few weeks of happiness for anything) I do have a readiness to move on. My future is waiting patiently, but it is whispering that bit louder for me to step towards it.
& I'm feeling readier with each passing day. I'm stronger now. The vicious laceration of grief is now some rich deep bruise that hurts to touch as i wear it like some blue dress that becomes a new skin.
With each pregnancy I've felt the fear of this and yet reflecting it was only this pregnancy where somewhere I think I always knew that we wouldn't get our happy ending, it was a stubborn feeling of impending doom like a red stain on a white carpet that I couldn't blinker out.
Life goes on. Wish us luck that it won't take us long to fall again, & please....from the bottom of my heart, make our next one a sticky one.
I'll never forget the one we loved too much & yet we have so much more love left to give.