I said too much, such an emotional whore.

Sunday, 21 June 2009

For someone who never actually liked Enid Blyton I've always had a nauseatingly Blyton-esque dreams for my children's childhood.

I have these fleeting dreams of making elderflower cordial to pack up whilst we go catching newts and butterflies with the wind in our hair and the sun shining out of our eyes full of wet fizzy giggles as we go home to make lemonade from scratch and brownies before twirling until our eyes water whilst holding ribbons out to the wind.

I have all the ideas of what a 'good mother' should and could be doing with and for her kids and yet I fail on the very simplest of levels to achieve any of it.

I find painting too messy especially when The Child gets silly and naughty and it will end in arguments, ditto to baking..and sticking/glittering.

I get bored of rolling cars across the room and due to no funds and no car I feel somewhat stranded and suffocated.

I suppose I should actually touch upon my biggest issue here and that is I am a self-confessed Net-Junkie and have been since my teens. I rely and cling to the internet. It's far too comfortable and easy to spend most of my day online then it is to actually get up and become the mother want to be instead of lamenting over the mum i have become.

It's such a self-fulfilling prophecy, for fear of being a rubbish mum you infact become one.

Now I will not tell a lie, I will openly admit that depression and anxiety fuel this apathy and lack of motivation whilst feeding and clothing the inner demons that make you believe you can't do any better and that you're a failure and always will be and that your children will suffer through your own incapabilities.

& yet somehow I have managed to produce so far two extraordinarily beautiful, clever, inquisitive, expressive little ankle biters with another on the way.

I suppose I should rectify here for the record that I do not neglect my precious darlings in any way. They are loved more then any child could ever be loved. I may be online a lot yet my children are never alone, The Toddler will play around me all day, we'll chat and laugh and cuddle. She has my attention whenever she wants it and more love then she'll ever need or recognise. I practice Attachment parenting (yes darling, that crunchy lentil weaving stuff) and take pride in the fact she's grown, through my love and attention, from a timid shrieking baby into an intelligent and happy toddler. & yet how come The Children, My life, still can't stop me from logging on as soon as I get out of bed? it can't break through this maudlin melancholy and dis-associative apathy.

It sounds trite and silly but i'm hoping our final baby will be the making of me. there will be no 'next time' this is my last chance to get it right. To break through this dastardly veil of disgustipating apathy and depression. To try and break this soul crushing anxiety that has altered the very autobiography of my soul and turned me into something and indeed someone that I do not and cannot recognise nor understand. I'm insular and withdrawn, frightened and self loathing..paranoid and petrified of people, life, myself and this has to stop. It's consumed my 20's and the very beginnings of my children's life, it's an injustice and disservice to let it devour anymore.

I need to become the mum my children deserve and the person I want to be.
I always have reasons and excuses for all that I do not do when I actually have two of the biggest reason I could ever dream for to change...My children. Why isn't it enough to fix me? I am not who i'm supposed to be. I need to find where and when I lost myself and how to get her back. I used to have friends, I used to be witty and intelligent. I used to sparkle and draw people in. I've spent too long being dead inside.

This is another reason BunBun (yes you may have the sick bucket) must stick. There is no alternative. This baby represents one last chance to fix myself, this baby is hope. Hope for me, hope for my children and hope for my husband that I can function, that i'm not irreparable and forever damaged. I've waited to long for the rest of my life to start....

Oh pissflaps, I promised myself to keep my journally stuff out of my blog. Another fail ;)

2 comments:

  1. Ok the first thing I was going to say on a previous post was: congratulations (actually it was a longer way of saying it, but then teh pesky interwebz went and ate my comment for lunch...) and I think I also made some smutty comment re the lapse in blogging resulting in bun-in-oven status, referencing what had been keeping you away from blogging. In very poor taste I know.

    What I wanted to say here is that this is an exceedingly brave post. I think you have eloquently expressed what many of us feel. Despite thinking that our children should be our raison d'etre [whispers] they often aren't. I have a 13 year old and an 11 year old who I love to bits. But I also could kill them approx 3 times a day. And they don't fill a hole in you, IMO, anymore than having another one papers over the cracks in a failing marriage (referencing MY experiences here, not implying in any way that this is what YOU are doing!!)

    And so for the interweb (which I just mistyped as 'interbed' - draw your own conslusions!) It's a huge source of solace for a lot of people. I know that I 'choose' to socialise via the web a lot for a number of reasons:
    a) It's a turn-on, turn-off way of communicating and relating.
    b) Due to the kids a) suits me very well. I can't (and wouldn't) be out bar hopping or clubbing (shudder) or even pubbing. Too broke and no desire to.
    c) You're (in the main) accepted for who and what you are and NOT prejudged.
    d) And let's be honest. You can, to a degree, be who you want to be. Not saying that bullshitting is right or acceptable, but you can minimise your flaws.

    This comment had a point which I know that I haven't made but really I just wanted to say that everything that you expressed I have felt or do still feel. It's always nice to know it isn't 'just' you and for this I thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thankyou so much for your comment :)

    ReplyDelete

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