Tuesday, 23 December 2014

The His & Her Xmas

Can you relate?

Monday, 22 December 2014

The reality of Christmas

I like Christmas. Really I do.  Honest. In the 90's I even put tinsel in my hair and snogged an elf. 

It's just when you're grown ups, parents, Christmas becomes a responsibility. Oh the pressure.

And oh how actual Christmas differs from the Rose tinted, Pinterest featured one you envisaged.


In my head snow is falling,  rosy cheeked children are misting up Georgian shop windows with tiny hands in fluffy hand muffs. Everything is beautiful and smiles are everywhere.

In reality there's not enough prozac to make me leave the house. It's Pissing it down and pitch black. The Spawn rewrite their lists everyday.    I hand over our pennies electronically only to find the very next day after dispatch, the bastard's publish a huge juicy discount code.  Then comes the let's chase the couriers game as despite you staring at your door all day they swear they attempted delivery.

Then there's the conundrum of where to stash it all.  You have no storage.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada. You were going to pile it up in the attic yet Roland The Bionic Rat is squatting up there and refusing to die despite having nommed several sachets of professional-die-rat-die poison up there.


Erecting (oh behave!) the tree should be a momentous occasion to cherish.  In my head we bundle up with hats and scarves all full of giggles and red nosed from the cold.  We playfully argue over which real tree we want and bring one home that's vibrant and huge.  We dance around a fairy light lit living room with an open fire to Christmas songs as we adorn it with antique baubles and strings of popcorn.

In reality everyone scarpers at the mere mention of digging a path through the shit hole of a front room to make some space.  The air is blue from The Husband's profanity at the injustice of having to get everything out the loft as the kids form a conveyor belt down the stairs with home bargains carrier bags of stuff.

The tree is fake.  And wonky. And the metal arms just poked me. ... In the eye.

Then the lights come out in a tangled mass of nightmare and suddenly everyone needs to shit so they can avoid untangling them.  Which is futile.  Especially as none of the buggers actually work anymore.

The Spawn lose interest after five minutes of hanging baubles on.  They're all on wrong and you're counting down the minutes until they go to bed so you can rearrange it.   They've already siphoned away half the candy canes into their mouths and the bloody cats are playing football with the pine cones you glittered last year. 

Baby is screaming for a feed.  The Spawn are having sword fights with pieces of the tree.  There's still 40 baubles from the poundshop that have lost their string waiting to go on the tree and The Husband is glowering from the kitchen hissing 'bah humbug' under his breath.


In my head it's quaint and kitsch and adorable.  The room is lovingly festooned with rustic and antique simple beauties.

In reality The Husband is balanced precariously on The Dude's fire station (that is covered in Moshi Monsters stickers and home to astronauts) barking 'PIN! ' every few seconds at the quivering Spawn.  The room looks like a Drag Queens handbag has vomited and the balloon clusters look like one bollocked willies. 


In my head I'm sat in front of an open fire with a glass of wine and an old movie as I leisurely and lovingly wrap perfectly coordinated presents with brown paper and tasteful paper accents,  trimmed with string and Christmas ribbon as I hand stamp labels with sleighs and North Pole post marks.

In reality I can't find the bastard scissors.  The Spawn won't go to sleep.  Baby wants feeding.  The cat's are having a bitch fight in every box and sitting on the rolls of cheap paper that rip before I can apply cellotape.   I'm t-total (yes, really) so downing vimto like it's vodka with the TV on mute so I can hear about lost blankets and itchy eyes and every other excuse as to why The Spawn won't go the fuck to sleep before they descend the stairs and see what I'm trying to do.

The Husband is smugly relating how much he hates wrapping presents before he bogs off into the kitchen to listen to black metal music and drink wine. .. ALONE.

I'm running out of hands and patience.  I've forgot my Zoloft and keep getting distracted by day dreaming of homicide.   There's no room to stack anything and baby shits. Again. 

Christmas Day

We awake to the aroma of Turkey roasting.  The Husband and I embrace lovingly under the mistletoe. Children in immaculate pyjamas gather around the tree handing out presents one by one with gasps of glee. They then play board games until the feast is served.

In reality The Husband rolls of the sofa mumbling five more minutes as The Spawn chomp at the bit upstairs trying their hardest to wake the baby in the most obnoxiously loud way possible not knowing that the baby woke up HOURS ago, filled eight nappies and drunk me dry of milk and has only just gone the fuck back to sleep.

The Dude will be naked and dancing whilst Things One and Two are in mismatched pj's.  They swear they've brushed their teeth yet when they open their mouths to talk the cats pass out from their morning breath.

Once downstairs it's every man for themselves. It's like black Friday in Tesco only more violent.  The Husband is screaming 'PUT THE RUBBISH IN A BAG' repeatedly.   I remember the turkey isn't in the oven yet and am banished to the kitchen for the day whilst The Spawn harass The Grinch to battle with the packaging of their toys.  After much swearing he asks for his saw. 

But hey.  Ho Ho Ho.  IT'S CHRISTMAS! !!!!

Where's the valium?

Sunday, 21 December 2014

Family traditions at Christmas

There's something about being a parent that makes you want to create memories to Cherish.  You want your spawn to grow up with fond recollections of what you did and to see them carry it on.  Traditions.  You want to make traditions.

The problem with traditions however is that you have to commit to them, like the pig did to a cooked breakfast. 

Think about it.  Every year.

When I was a kid my parents never went hugely festive.  Sure we had the tree etc but other than three things everything else was more rules than tradition such as no going into the lounge until everyone is awake and no opening presents until the dog had been let out in the garden to pee and a tea tray was ready.   When we were all older The Mother tried to replace the every man for himself with an elongated process of taking turns to open one present at a time.  Now I'm a parent I totally understand the wanting to see everything part but as a child ... who wants to watch everyone else let alone have everyone bog at you every time you own something forcing you to display over exaggerated expressions of gratitude for socks.

So let's talk about some of the traditions I've come across, we're not talking cultural ones we're just talking common popular, well known ones.   Before I get stuck in,  I'm not dissing them per se, I just can't relate to them.  So wind your necks in,  If it works for you.... I'm glad, possibly even envious.  I never said I wasn't a Grinch.


I won't even pretend to understand the relevance of new PJ'S on Christmas Eve.  Apparently it's a 'thing'. A very popular thing even.  To me however it's just alien.


I've never in my life had a Christmas stocking.  Ever.  Neither have The Spawn. In fact I think if they found some new underwear, chocolate coins and a toothbrush in the bottom of a giant Xmas sock their 'WTF?!' Reaction would be warranted. 

Elf on a shelf

The creepy little fucker that gets up to all kinds of stuff that if your kids ever did they'd get bollocked for whilst the parents Facebook all the scenes they spent their evening setting up to try and out-elf all the other parents on the Internet and win the precocious Pinterest crown.  The elf then pisses off back home on Christmas Eve. 

Ok so I admit.  The Dude would possibly find this hilarious.  Maybe.  But think about it... That's 24 different stunts or pranks every December for years. I'd end up hanging it with a noose.

Not to mention it's another little sod you have to clean up after. 

Christmas Eve boxes

A lovely idea.  No, really.  I'm not even being sarcastic here.  Seriously. 

If you have one child.

Or a fat wallet.

I was going to do one this year but I'd either have to replicate everything four times or else endure a real life Hunger Games as The Spawn battle it out.

Gifts for teachers

Just no. They get paid. Plus it's never just 'a' teacher these days.  It's three part timers and leagues of Teaching Assistants. Not to mention the Dinner Ladies, caretaker and office staff.  We're skint and I'm scrooge. Bite me.

Gingerbread houses.

There isn't enough gin or prozac in the world to make me endure the masochistic task of attempting this with The Spawn and the ones you buy and assemble taste like shit.

So what do we do tradition wise here? !

Santa Snacks

Who doesn't?  No wonder he's obese.  Surely leaving out a snack and drink for Mr C and a carrot for Rudolph is the law?

Christmas Lanterns

Two years ago The Spawn decorated some jam jars with tissue paper and glue.  We put a tea light (which my phone just tried to auto correct to Taliban... How absurd,  they wouldn't fit) in them.  We leave these next to the santa snack to glow and guide him to our home.


As a kid we left Pillowcases out in our room and Santa would collect them,  fill them with presents and leave them in the lounge.   I have The Spawn do the same.

Reindeer food

I'd never heard of this until the inlaws bought The Spawn some from a charity shop a few years ago.  Every year since I fill bags with oats and glitter and the kids sprinkle out the front door (and all over the bastard carpet.  Gits. )

End of bed present

When I was a child, every year,  Santa would leave us a present on the end of our beds which The Parents geniusly named 'The End Of Bed Present'  catchy isn't it?  It was usually an annual.  The reason behind it was to keep us occupied (aka quiet) until everyone was awake and we were allowed downstairs.  This is something we've carried on with a The Spawn.

Chocolate Fingers

As a child, we always scoffed chocolate fingers for breakfast as we opened presents.   Whenever I remember I buy them too for Christmas morning.

Tree presents

Another from my childhood.  Every year my mum would buy us all a small gift which went on the tree. They'd stay there until New Years Day when they'd be placed next to our cutlery and a Christmas cracker at the dinner table.  Sure enough there's currently 5 presents (I don't bother getting myself one) on our tree.

There's so many cute ideas out there such as sooty/snowy footprints but like I said,  It's the commitmaent thing (and the mess)

I always thought I'd let each spawn choose a new Christmas bauble each year yet I never seemed to have the money at the right time and after the first year of parenthood passed it seemed daft to implement it randomly. 

What are your Christmas Traditions?  Did you create them yourself or are they from your own childhood? Are there any you regret starting or any you wish you had started?