World book day. Three small words that strike fear into every parent of a school age child, or at the very least a muttered 'Arse'.
Don't get me wrong, I love books. The spawn love books. I'm incredibly pleased that they're having jaunts to the library etc to celebrate it. But for the love of Valium, which cretinous sadistic person thought dressing up for it would be a good idea? For the record, if it was you, I hate you.
Generally children love dressing up. Dressing up as Ninja Turtles, Spiderman, Elsa or Buzz 'effin Lightyear that is. As literary characters? Not so much. In over ten years of parenting I've never once had any of The Spawn ask to dress up as Fantastic Mr Fox or Hairy Mclary. Never. Never ever ever.
So it falls upon us mere parents to run about like headless chickens trying to cobble together three, yes three, costumes that will be worn for one day. The Pinterest mums all have hard-ons over it as they give their glue-guns a quick wank yet us mere mortals however are sat gulping Gin mumbling 'Fuck it. Bastard schools ' repeatedly until it all slurs together and sounds more like 'more Prozac please'.
Those of us that are craft-inept or shall we say creatively constipated, are weighing up the possibility of beans on toast every night for a month to free enough money to just buy some costumes.
I'll admit to lingering over the possibility of just putting paper bags over their heads as surely most characters will go shopping at some point, right? Or spraying The Spawn blue or green seeing as most books will at some point mention the sky, or grass. Then my sensibilities travel to the gutter and I seriously contemplate sending them as Mr Grey or Ana, just to make the teachers feel grotesquely uncomfortable as punishment for inflicting this ridiculously pointless activity on us.
Here's a thought, how about in future, each class pick a book and then at school, as a class activity (in school, that bit is vitally important) they create a mask or something each for a character out of it. Yes, I'm a genius. You can thank me later.
For some unfathomable reason, The Spawn's school are doing World Book Day dress up on the 15th. At this moment it's a toss up as to whether they'll all mysteriously have a 24 hour bug that day or else sending them in costumes they already have, after all, iron man is from a comic book, right?